Mentally tired

Yo peeps...this is it.1 week had just past with a blink.Many things had happened again.Family conflict, work conflict, friends conflict.Why is there so many problems??Why cant people solved problem peacefully and calmly??Does avoidin helps??

Im mentally tired.Tired from thinkin about lots of stuff and im down again.Havin flu and headaches again.But i still need to put up a strong front.WTH..Many task has been pass down to me today.My platoon Sgt will be out to Australia for trainin for a week and i will be takin over his job.He wont be back in time for Brunei trainin and again i have to take over his job.Meaning for the next 2 months i have to be a team commander and a platoon sgt.Lookin after my own team and the whole platoon.Plus im still havin problem with my contract.Damn...Just so tired, hardly able to get some sleep this few days.Been thinkin alot about certain stuff.There are just so many things to do and so many things in my mind.Im so freakin pissed off this few days.My attention spent each task was like 10 minutes??I have so much to do yet im not managin my time properly to get my stuff done.Im always gettin my "runner" to do it for me..

Life hasnt been easy since certain things had happened.Yes, life have to go on, time might eventually heal some things but how long??But every minute was a torture to me, how can i ever pretend that nothing had happened??why must we declare war??It isnt fun at all.You might be happy but im not.Part of my life is being ruin, therez no turnin back.Anyone could get me a job with what im earnin now??People make sacrifices for a reason and not for fun.Im really pissed off.Im tryin to cool down.Since when i get angry??This time im really pissed off and im angry over alot of stuff.

Guyz, have a greak week at work.

Gone..a day to rmbr

Yo peeps, here i am again..today 18 Oct 2006 at 1259 hrs i wanna mark it in my calendar.A day to remember once again.A painful decision i have to make for everyone to be happy.Theres no doubt about it.Playin a good guy doesnt pay off.The sarcifices that you make to make things better doesnt moved anyone around you.

After 1 month of battlin with myself.Over my career, my future, my personal needs i have finally come to put it to a full stop.Nobody is gonna pity what decision i made because im the one who allow it to happen and im the one who make the decision.Was it all fated or itz a test for me??Do life still go on as per normal??i dont know..i really dont.Career wise i have already screw up, firstly because of my court case and now i wanna leave the forces.I cant turn back time and tell everyone i dont wanna leave.Yes, 5 years of effort and tough time i gone through in the Army is goin down the drain.Regrets??No..not at all...The reason i sign on was because of somebody and now the reason i leave was also because of somebody.Stil no regrets at all.Both didnt work out.

People come and go..everyone have their own difficulties i have mine too.I got to adapt with a life without a stable income soon.Adapt to a life without control and reportin to someone of higher rankin.Certain of my dreams got to put on hold.stil no regrets.I made many mistakes in life, hurt alot of people along the way.Im sorry, sincerely sorry.Yes, sorry cant heal a broken heart but thats all i can do.22 years of my life just gone like that.I cant turn back time.Today, again i made a painful decision after fightin for like the whole mornin or even the past 3 days.No improvement but worsen.Im gonna stop, i finally understand 'what comes ard,goes ard'.Some might not forgive me for the things i done.Rate me as an idiot, heartless guy or even a bastard.I will take it without defendin myself.Should i change my thinkin??yes..i think so.I guess i must start appreciatin everyone around me before anyone can appreciate what i do.No...dont have to even appreciate what i do.No point.

It has been painful for the past few days n 1 month but i came to accept it.My sufferin is not as worse as those around me.People who are concern about me but i didnt follow their advise.I dont blame anyone.Since things has already turn out like that i have to live with it.Go back to school,upgrade some skills find a job and think again.I took everythin for granted without havin to care about others.Now it hit back on me, i felt the pain.I spent sleepless night thinkin about lots of stuff.Always thinkin 'wat if' certain things didnt happen.But we cant predict life.Maybe im really wrong, wrong in many ways.Im not askin for forgivness.whats the point??

I wanna pack my bag and go.Leave this place and never to come back again.Too much memorises that i cant get myself out of.Theres nothing left behind for me.I feel like cryin but i cant.I feel like shoutin but i cant.Im just so sick.

I wanna take this chance to apologise to everyone around me.Especially my parents.They given me support all the while but i took it for granted.when im in a bad mood i gave them a stupid attitude but they tolerated with me.Im sorry.Next, i wanna apologise to 2 ladies that have came into my life.Im sorry for not appreciatin what you guyz have done for me.The patience that you guyz shown, the support that you guyz gave but then again i didnt even realise.

Guyz, this might be my last post.I dont know if i should ever blog again.I know therez a few out there who hate me.Yes, i sucks..carry on hatin me.I wont asked for forgiveness..sometimes try puttin yourself in someone shoe and you will realise how it feels.

God bless all of you out there.Remember to appreciate someone before askin that someone to appreciate you.I made my mistake and i have learnt mine.

cheers

not again

Yo peeps...been awhile since last blog.Ehmm...Nothing much had really happened.Just some small matter that im gonna handle it myself.

So work was like so-so.Didnt really get myself involved too much on trainin.Was just so freakin lazy to train with my team and men.Been pushin all my job to the other commanders.Yeah, everyone is not happy so am I.Well, I guess itz time to take a break.A long needed break to settle my ownself and the things i wanna do.Havent gone to work like for 2 days already..haha...Ehmm...will be goin back to work on Thursday.Just feelin so sick to work.No objective in camp.Morning wake up, bring the men for meals then back to bunk again, sleep and slack.Just waitin for time to passby.So damn regretted for signin on if not i have long completed my National Service and my first In-camp trainin.Damn....Guess what, just found out that my 6th year contract will only come in 2008.Meanin i still have 2 years to serve if not i have to pay the compensation...Damn...My 1st year wasnt counted..Sigh~ stupid system.

Anyway, im tryin my best to get myself out of service.Do i like the job??Ehmm...i dont know.Im confuse myself.I have come so far givin up seem to be quite wasted but carryin on seem even worse.what should i do??Sigh~ anyway, my mind is set im gonna leave or should I say I have to leave.

Guys, im just too lazy to type...have a great week at work

cheers

disappointed week

Yo peeps...once again the week has come to an end and itz the start of a borin weekend that im gonna have again.Itz been 2 weeks and things are still the same.

Yesterday was suppose to be the platoon off but i was on duty or rather i changed my duty.Was suppose to do today but well therez someone who is willin to change with me so why not??Thursday was the Division Dinnin-in at suntec ballroom.Went there in military Number 2, kinda troublsome to wear it but well no choice gotta wear.Itz kinda grand event as Chief of Army was there.The dinner was not like a normal weddin dinner itz pretty formal or should i say troublesome.Once we entered the ballroom we cant leave the ballroom till the whole event end.Thatz the rule of the dinnin-in.I cant really explain thur typin but itz a experinces to keep thou I cant attend it anymore because im leavin.

So the week was just like the same.Disappointed week,sad week and confused week.Why am i feelin this way??I though i was really to put aside what i was thinkin and wanted but i cant.Certain things we just cant lie to oursleves.Do i felt like this before??"NO"..i hate feelin this way.Was it my fault??I dont know.whose right whose wrong??Was it wrong to fight for what we wanted??I have been thinkin alot and question marks around me.Thou i had some good time this week but was it enough??"NO" it was not really enough.Everyone know that.I cant find my way to that passage way which leads to happiness.Everyone is pourin cold water on me.What have i done wrong??Was my thinkin too much to handle or was it all wrong??I just dont feel like doin anything for the whole week.Dont feel like workin,sleepin,eatin,just anything.What tough times i didnt go thur before??I have been thur the toughest time in my life but still i cant overcome this obstacle.Was i askin too much or there iz something wrong with me??

Why people cant be true to themselves??Do we have to go through all the sufferin before realizin whats good for ourself??Do we have to bother what others have to say or think about us??Are they the one who give us happiness and choose our lives??Im feelin uneasy this few days, something that i dont feel for a long period of time.My life now is like a gamble.Im gamblin every minute of my life lookin for ways to solve things.But i cant find the answer.Am i goin bonkers??YES..im goin bonkers.I hated this feelin but nobody could help.

Guyz, I felt that this world is scary, human is scary too.What they call 'feeling' can actually cause someone to go bonkers.It can change ones mood and the way they think.Can leopard changes itz spot??Can someoone who have committed a mistake turn over a new leaf and never to commit the same mistake again??Im playin mind game this week.Or rather everyone is playin mind game with me this week.I really cant overcome myself through my own thinkin and solve the problem.Must i be evil to get what i want??Does good guy alwayz be at the losin end??God, you are foolin me again.Playin with me and puttin me into a test that i drag myself not to fight for cause i know im winnin but then again when i was winnin you threw me down and make me back to where i started.Now things just dont favour me and come my way.Who do I blame??YOU??

Cheers